Tottenham 2-0 Brentford: player ratings to the theme of puns in footballer autobiography titles

OK, with this I believe I’m caught up now, although I’m not trying ahead to doing participant ranking articles throughout the busy festive fixture season. These are onerous and take time! However thanks to your persistence.

Tottenham Hotspur performed a house soccer match within the Premier League and received! That’s thrilling! The two-0 win over Brentford was not solely the primary dwelling win since week 1, it was additionally top-of-the-line matches Spurs have performed this season. This match had EVERYTHING: offensive nous! Objectives from open play! A shutout! Objectives from the Pigeon and Xavi! What extra might you ask for?

The theme for this text got here from a Carty Free reader however I confess whereas I believed it was a implausible immediate I can’t bear in mind who instructed it. Whoever you’re, good job you. I took that ball and ran with it. If there’s one factor that footballers love to do other than taking part in soccer, it’s writing an autobiograhy, or using somebody to write down one for them. I received’t confess to studying any of the books on this checklist (most footballer autobiographies are unhealthy) however as a Dad Joke Aficionado, I’ve a extremely developed respect for the craft of punnery. So we’re rating participant performances this time to the theme of puns in footballer (auto)biography ebook titles. Hope you take pleasure in them as a lot as I do, or at the least groan on the acceptable locations.

5 stars: My Flip (Johan Cruyff)

Get it? Eh? Yeah? Get it? Masterful job, Johan.

Xavi Simons (Neighborhood — 4.5): I’m in all probability overrating Xavi’s match efficiency a bit of bit right here, however who cares — he had a purpose and an help, and appeared very comfy in that superior 10 function, particularly with gamers to cross him the ball. 5 star scores have been uncommon this season, so I’m glad to fan-crush him a bit right here.

4.5 stars: Taking Le Tiss (Matt Le Tissier)

I won’t particularly just like the participant (Le Tissier has been, um, extraordinarily controversial on a wide range of topics over the previous decade) however I do need to tip my hat on a formidable pun. He actually has taken the piss on a wide range of matters and on any event he can.

Micky van de Ven (Neighborhood — 4.0): Excellent match defensively and wasn’t afraid to maneuver ahead with the ball both. Man, he’s so good.

4 stars: Blood, Sweat & McAteer (Jason McAteer)

McAteer retired from the sport in 2007, the primary 12 months I turned a Premier League soccer fan, so I by no means watched him play. I simply assume “Blood, Sweat & McAteer” is a superb biography title, particularly for a Republic of Eire participant.

Cuti Romero (Neighborhood — 4.0): Wild scissor deal with that earned him a yellow however in any other case fairly imperious on the again with a few pretty sliding challenges. Stored Igor Thiago quiet, which has been robust to do currently.

Djed Spence (Neighborhood — 4.0): Good on either side of the ball. Pressured a high quality save from Kelleher going ahead and obtained again repeatedly to make defensive stops. Strong match.

Pedro Porro (Neighborhood — 3.5): Only a strong match. Indefatigable along with his motion and arrange the primary purpose with a stunning ball from deep.

Randal Kolo Muani (Neighborhood — 3.5): Labored his tail off however didn’t get a ton of service. That stated, you may see what he’s attempting to do on the market and it provides lots to the workforce. I believed he was nice.

Thomas Frank (Neighborhood — 4.0): Has he lastly found out his good workforce? Looks like he may, however let’s see if it continues.

3.5 stars: The Gloves Are Off (Paddy Kenny)

Haven’t learn the ebook so I can’t touch upon whether or not that is an explosive tell-all about life between the sticks as knowledgeable footballer. If it isn’t, nicely it ought to be.

Guglielmo Vicario (Neighborhood — 3.5): Blessedly didn’t have a lot to do, so fewer alternatives to screw up. (He was fantastic, trustworthy, I’m simply cranky.)

Rodrigo Bentancur (Neighborhood — 3.5): A little bit iffy to begin however got here into the match nicely. One among his higher performances this season, I’d say.

Archie Grey (Neighborhood — 4.0): Arch continues to enhance his recreation in midfield and Spurs appeared lots higher with him in there. I don’t assume he was distinctive within the function, however he performed a comparatively easy midfield recreation, and that’s sufficient to make Spurs’ offense look so significantly better simply by him being in that function.

Mohammed Kudus (Neighborhood — 4.0): We obtained the total Mo Kudus Expertise™ on this one — some good moments and good balls in, pressured a few saves, however nonetheless dribbled himself into hassle on quite a few events.

3 stars: The World In response to Razor: My Closest Shaves (Neil “Razor” Ruddock)

Fairly good effort for the person as soon as voted “the seventeenth hardest footballer of all time.”

Richarlison (Neighborhood — 4.0): Did nicely to be in the appropriate place on the again put up for Xavi’s cross, and smashed it dwelling. Didn’t do a ton apart from that, although.

Joao Palhinha (Neighborhood — 3.5): Got here on as an affect sub and did the job.

2.5. stars: Completely Frank (Frank Lampard)

The apparent selection for a Lamps ebook, and would additionally work for a Thomas Frank bio, although I believe he ought to go along with “Frankly My Expensive…”

Wilson Odobert (Neighborhood — 3.0): Didn’t actually get a lot of an opportunity to ascertain himself, and had at the least one dumb/unhealthy offside in buildup. Not a horrible match, however not his greatest outing both.

2 stars: Hammered (Mark Ward)

Sure, sure, we get it, you performed for West Ham. Very intelligent. Have been you additionally often drunk? (In all probability)

No Tottenham gamers on this class.

1 star: Hey Jude: the Rise and Rise of Jude Bellingham

I’m going to chop Jude some slack right here since this can be a biography, not an autobiography, however to Graeme Croser, who wrote it, come on buddy. You are able to do higher than the obvious pun of all time mixed with a title conference that makes use of the phrase “rise” twice.

No Tottenham gamers had been as unhealthy as writing a biography about Jude Bellingham titled “Hey Jude.”